Payback's a B
by IthinkThereforeIwrite
Summary: Bella fed up with Mike's antics and fresh out of idea, go to Rose and Alice for some help. Bella enlists help from a sexy southern gentleman. And meets a green eyed beauty who walked into her life at the perfect time.


**So I got this idea while listening to a song. And I thought it'd be fun to write a funny one-shot where Bella is a strong-minded woman. Also I just had to urge to poke fun at a male character (no offense to people who like mike) I hope not many, but w/e.**

I own none of these characters

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**Bella P.O.V.**

"Bella you need to stand up for yourself. I'm tired of doing your make-up to hide that jack ass's temper," Alice chides.

"I agree, give him what he's been asking for," Rose agrees. I couldn't really see there faces but I can tell they're frowning. I mean I've wanted to do something, but the police don't help, all they do is keep in a holding cell, than let him go, which is when he comes and hits me. I fight back, I'm not some doll that just sits there and takes it. But he is physically bigger and stronger, so he gets more hits in. Right now I'm sleeping on Alice's couch, looking over my shoulder every damn minute.

Alice is finish with my face and I turn and stare at them.

"I've done everything I can think of, I'm fresh out of ideas."

Rose shares a look with Alice. "Not everything."

"Spill it Rose."

Rose's lips curl into evil smirk. "My brother just came up from Texas. I think you should meet him and have a chat."

"How's that supposed to help?"

"Let's go." Rose grabs my arm and pulls me towards the door, Alice clapping behind us.

**Mike P.O.V.**

I can't wait to get out of this hell hole. Jessica is paying my bail and after I find Bella and mess her up, Jessica and I are going to have a nice long vacation. This time Bella's went too far. They're actually considering pressing chargers. Ridiculous! The bitch is nothing and I can't wait to get my hands around her neck. She was nothing but a damn tease. I'm tired of this shit and I'm going to finish off Isabella Swan.

**Bella P.O.V.**

We pull up to a nice apartment complex. I crawl out the back seat, staring at the fresh cut grass and the spotless siding.

"Wow Rose, I think your brother and Alice could have something in common. He's got better taste than I do."

"Honey everyone has better taste than you," Rose laughs.

"True." I count my steps to keep me from falling. I count the number of steps I climb. It's a trick I learned to help me from tripping. I finally reach the door and Alice knocks, which is strange. Seconds later the door opens at a tall dirty blonde with a lazy grin opens the door. He looks right over Alice's head.

"Hi!" Alice squeaks. By the bouncing I can tell she can barely contain herself.

"Well hello to you," he says in the sexiest southern accent. I could've sworn Alice swooned a bit.

"Hey Jasper, let us in," Rose pushes Jasper out her way, who is still staring at Alice.

I slide by the two lovebirds. Rose walks over and yanks Alice by the arm, which ends their staring match.

"It's nice to see ya sis, but what brought this on?" Jasper is still glancing at Alice.

"I need your help."

This gets Jasper's attention. His gaze focuses solely on Rose. "What's happened? Is someone trying to hurt you? I swear I'll-"

"No it's not me Jasper, it's my friend Bella." Jasper looks at Alice.

I clear my throat, "I'm Bella. That's Alice, the one you can't keep your eyes off of."

Jasper scratches the back of his head, with a cute embarrassed look.

"So Bella, what can I help you with?"

I raise my brow and point to Rose, "I don't know, it's her idea."

"Okay." Rose perches on the couch. "My dear friend here has a jack ass of a boyfriend, who can't take the hint. He uses his fist to prove he's a man. And she's done everything she could. So I thought maybe you could teach her the same thing you taught Melinda, back home."

I glance at Alice and see her smile disappear a little.

"Well I guess, but I swore after Melinda got married I wouldn't do that anymore, I could get my license revoked."

Rose pokes out her bottom lip, "Please Jasper. You're the best brother in the whole world and you don't want your sister to go to jail for murder."

I snort, only Rose would do that. "Fine," Jasper exhales.

Jasper turns his blue eyes on me, "Alright, you ready?" The smiles on his face, sends a shiver down my spine. I'm not attracted to him, but the shear dominance, the accent, and the smile was just too much. Oh yeah him and Alice belong together.

"Yup," I swallow the knot that just rose in my throat. I'm a little afraid.

**Mike P.O.V.**

Jessica pulled through and I'm tearing up the road to make it to my house. I know Bella's going to be there. She's so mousy and shy. It used to be a real turn on, but now it just makes me angry. Two more minutes and I'm almost there. For the last couple of miles I blow over the speed limit. I slammed on breaks and the gravel moves under my tires. There's a light on in the living room. The sun is still high in the sky. I step out my truck and begin cracking my knuckles. The bitch is mine.

"Bella?" I call. I see a figure move by the window. I'm walking up the sidewalk when the door opens. One boot clad foot steps out than another. My eyes make their way up from the fuck me boots, to the skin tight jeans tucked in them. Then up to the tiny sliver of stomach showing from a vest, that accents her curves and breasts. My gaze finally makes it to her face. I freeze mid- step. Can't be Bella!

She's leaning against the door jam, cigarette in her mouth, handing holding onto something else, that's kind of obscured. "Bella?"

She smirks, and flicks the bud onto the ground, grinding it with the toe of her boots.

"Mike. So nice to see your filthy ass. Finally made bail I see, your slut pay for you."

I start march towards her.

"Ah ah ahh," her pretty little mouth smiles. I stop. "I wouldn't come any closer if I were you."

"Why not? I've come to give you a little present. You sent me to jail, I'm going to send you to the hospital," I sneer. This time I keep walking not stopping till I reached her. Rising my fist, I aim to hit her. The next thing I hear is the noise of what could only be a bullets going into the chamber of a shot gun. My fist pauses in mid hair.

"You were saying?" she smiles. The next click I hear is the safety being taken off. I back peddle slowly almost losing my footing on a step. Bella walks toward me gun raised.

"Mike, you're going to get into your truck and drive away with your whore into another state and not come back again. Because if you do I won't miss on purpose."

"You're not going to shoot me."

I feel a rush of wind as a bullet wiz right by my ear. Shit.

"Five." Shit she's counting. I stumble around and run toward my truck, I make it there, but right as I'm hopping into the truck I feel a sharp pain shot through my ass.

She shot me in the ass! I press down on the gas trying to get away. I hear the gun go off again. My ass is bleeding, I'm crying and my poor truck is taking the beating of its life.

**Bella P.O.V.**

I take one last shot just like Jasper taught me. I laugh out loud and run into the house. Alice and Rose run out the living room with a camera.

"I got it all!"

"Yes!" Alice pumps her hands in the air. "My baby is a hero."

"Thanks Alice," I say.

She smacks my arm, "Not you, Jasper." She gets this far off look in her eyes.

"Oh I know."

We walk around back and Jasper lights up the grill. A hear a car pull up the drive. Rounding the corner I'm swept into a huge bear hug.

"I heard you shot that bastard in the ass! Go Bella!"

I laugh at Emmett. He puts me back on the ground to search for Rose. I see another figure walking towards me.

"Hi, who are you?"

"Edward," he holds out his hand and gives me the cutest crooked smile. My heart skips a beat.

"You've come just in time," I smile.

Edward walked into my life right when I felt the best about myself; I am beyond ready to fall in love with a gorgeous -.

"Oh Bella, you've met my cousin Edward!" Alice shouts.

Cousin?! Should've known, sneaky, scheming pixies

"Oh Bella," Rose sings. "You're song is on!"

Rose turns up the volume and I shout along, "I'm going home going to load my shot gun, wait by the door and light a cigarette!"

Alice hands me a beer and we all toast, on Mike.

**So it's ridiculous funny fluff. Well probably not funny, but amusing. Just an idea I had floating around.**

**Any comments, Review!**


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